Self Worth

Today Tessa was in a good mood.*

Today whilst I was doing some work at the coffee table Tessa plopped down on the couch next to me and put her feet on my lap in a very "pay attention to me" sort of way.  It wasn't helpful.

But you know what...it is nice that she feels like she is so super special that I should pay attention to her.  I wish I felt that way about myself more often.

Oh look...Aaron is doing some work at the coffee table right now...

*this is important, otherwise she would have just been being bratty.

Just a reminder (to myself)...

...that I am in no way in control of my life.

After a great Conference weekend I woke up motivated and with big plans. I got up early to so yoga (original plan was running but it is raining out) and Meg woke up 10 minutes later. I did manage to do about half the video but "King Dancer" position is hard enough without a toddler hanging onto your thigh.

Next agenda item - an early trip to the grocery store. However, we've got ten minutes before 9:00 and Tessa is still sleeping soundly. By the time she wakes up, eats breakfast and gets dressed it'll be Meg's naptime and justify as I might, 2:00pm does not count as "early."

Good thing my motivation only extended far enough to plan two things for my day.

That said - it has been a nice morning reading and coloring with Meg. Oh, I've got to go, she's prepared a delicious meal of plastic Pringles for me.

Intake of breath

I had a moment tonight.

We spent Family Home Evening at the Common where we luxuriated in the amazing weather. Tessa has been surprising me, pleasantly, by finding three-year-olds to chase around the park with. I looked up when I heard her laughing and screaming to see her run full speed around the slide with a curly haired girl in hot pursuit. It only took me a second to realize that this little girl (who I'd seen around the past few years with her mother) was at the NEMC NICU at the same time Tessa was.

Two happy beautiful girls playing together.

When I introduced myself to her father he said "Thank goodness for that place." I agreed.

Its not me, its you...

Yes, I did in fact turn thirty this January. And with little emotional fanfare as I tend to look forward to my birthdays (although I did freak out a bit when I was turning 27 and had no idea how to take care of my soon to arrive 1st born). I attribute my ability to ease gently into my thirties to the fact that I am in just the perfect spot in life. Not too many kids, not to few, good guy at my side, a cozy little house in a great cit - and - unless you look really closely in the right wrong light, no gray hair.

However.

What is really wigging me out is that all of YOU are turning thirty. I can turn thirty. But when my entire peer group, in a single years time is blogging, facebooking and txt msging about the big 3-0 I suddenly realize - I am friends with old people.

So, I'll continue to age gracefully, thank you very much. But if the rest of you could stop, that'd be great.

Happy Birthday to me, from my my raisons d'etre.

A note on resolutions (how original)

I haven't been really inspired by resolution setting this year. Some years I have tons and tons of ideas that I want to do, but this year I got hit with the bettering myself motivation a few months ago and so I am already trying to do most of the things I would generally resolve to do. Not that you could tell...sadly, the whole "start slow and taper off" sort of thing is my general modus operandi.

And thats the thing - I have the best of intentions but the results are less than stellar (does that sound familiar because I refuse to believe I am the only one who deals with this!). As a result my plans for betterment begin to sound ridiculous as they are repeated over and over. But trust me (Aaron - I'm talking to you!) I mean it every time I say it.

And then there was this blog post I read that contained this sentence:

"That same girl who was never organized for class, is the same woman who who still struggles with cluttered areas throughout her house, yet embraces hospitality by opening her home (even when boxes are stacked in the corner)."

And so you see - I am often embarrassed at the condition that so many have seen my house in. The type of embarrassed that I laugh at outwardly -

"Oh, its messy - you know me"

But inside I'm deep, down truly mortified by it.

I mean seriously - I held book club at my house with bare roof rafters over our heads! I once had my in-laws stay in a tent in our study. And now anyone who walks up our front stairs is essentially standing in our master bedroom; aka, the kitchen; aka the place we pile all our clothes, books, blankets, toys, and tools for world domination.

But you are still welcome to come over.

Happy New Year.

October 9, 2008

Tonight I stumbled across something I wrote a year ago.

Here it is.*

------

October 9, 2008

This time I am crying more. And I think it is because I know what I’m getting into. Not that this is about the dreary life of a new mother with the late night feedings and the diaper changes, although I am less fanciful about what it will mean to have a baby than I was the first time.

But the first time, I didn’t cry.

I cry now because I know how much I can love. I cried when I got the call that said “it worked.” I cried when I saw the little flickering heartbeat for the first time, and again two weeks later when I saw my olive sized baby wiggly around. The first time, if I cried – it was as much from relief as joy. Relief that I wasn’t infertile anymore. This time, as I watched that little gummy bear kick and wave on the ultrasound screen, I already loved her. Because of the first time, I know what it feels like to love her.

The first time, I looked forward to loving my child;, but it took awhile to move from loving the idea of a child to loving that child. This time I instantly love this specific child. My baby. Our baby.

Meg.

-------

*I did some editing - I had to. I had written "him" in a lot of places. So much for mothers intuition. And of course, I added the last word.

Hey Mister

Hey Mr. Garbage Man:

I saw you take that "Boxtop for Education" off the cereal box in my recycling bin. And it made me decide to try and get my kids into the same school that the garbage man's kids go to.

Hey Mr. Foods Purchaser:

Am I the only one who sees the problem with these organic bananas?

Hey Elderly Lady at the Grocery Store:

Thank you for commenting on my daughters singing, and telling me about the free cookie that the bakery gives kids. Thank you for telling me that you are about to go crazy shopping with your husband - that he takes so long, that you would have been out of there 30 minutes ago. Thank you for telling me that even if you can't grocery shop with your sweetheart without an argument, that you can still be married for 62 years.

We've hit that stage...

While I'm doing okay at keep the girls alive, I'm find this "mother of two" business to be...challenging.

Why?

Well, you don't have to ask in "that tone." I know that others manage two just fine. And other-others have 3. Or 4. Or 5. Or 8 - happy, adjusted, dressed children. (Approximately 74% of my blog readers fall in one of those catagories.) But for me, two is kicking my trash.

Why?

Sibling rivalry has reared up in the form of an sweet, loving and uber-whiny/tantrumy pre-schooler and it is exhausting.

Why?

I really want to give Tessa a lot of attention because she is at such a fun age.

Why?

She has just hit the speech breakthrough that happens at this age and talks in complete, if not completely understandable, sentences. She is so sweet and loving towards Meg and is just plain silly!

Why?

Well I could go on about that forever so lets get back to the question at hand. It is exhausting to feel like I am not teaching/playing/challenging Tessa enough while in reality the the happy, content goo-goo-ing second born sits in the bouncy chair being neglected. (We refer to her as the PNSB.)

Why?

Because PNSB stands for Poor Neglected Second Born

Why?

Its an acronym.

Why?

It saves time - unless you have to explain it.

Why?

{exasperated sigh} Moving on.

I thought I'd like to have a big family (somewhere between 2 and 8 we were telling people) but now - - well, you might want to wait a few months before asking if we are going to have any more.

Why?

Because if every single child goes through this stage I don't think I've got enough answers to make it out alive.

Why?

---

P.S. Tessa hasn't been sleeping well AT. ALL. and this has contributed to the overall whiny/tantrumy levels here at home (both her and I). Aaron and I turned to "the google" to find out how to help. I searched "2 year old sibling rivalry" and this "article" claims that "As for the advantages of having siblings, I can think of none if the spacing is narrow (less than two and one-half or three years)." I'm completely dumbfounded by this statement. Yes - it is tough going at the moment, but seriously - NO advantages?!!? Thanks for the support.

Jerk.

Current Events

Well, it turns out that Senator Kennedy's funeral procession drove through the neighborhood that Aaron's office is in. He office took the opportunity to watch it pass by.

(Taken by our own agent in the field)

My thoughts on the late-senator? Well, he did some really bad things, and some really good things. What to think? I don't know...but this week/stage-of-my-life all I know is...I wonder how Teddy Kennedy's mom (or nanny, whatever) potty trained him?

Victory

It is no small feeling of victory that I experience when I peak in the bedroom and find my toddler asleep, after three commendable attempts at convincing me of "no nap," and "I not fweepy."

It is almost like the feeling I used to get when closing on million dollar real estate deals or brokering an agreement between embattled energy companies. If - you know - I had actually done those things.

Some Randomness

I have to preface this by saying I truly think we have a responsibility (stewardship if you will) to take care of the earth, particularly in regards to use and disposal of our natural resources...however - THIS is hilarious! Along those lines I insist to Aaron that I only shower every other day FOR THE ENVIRONMENT - and to save on shampoo. I am so ecologically and economically aware.

--***--

I am dilated to 3 cm. Aaron is hoping she'll be born closer to the weekend, so I asked him if he thought I should still go grocery shopping this afternoon. I thought his reply would be motivated by his timeline, but no - he really does care:

"Don’t go grocery shopping- are you crazy? Do you really want to have a baby on the dirty floor at Market Basket with a bunch of punk teenagers running around you asking where they should give the baby a tattoo or ear piercing?"

--***--

Tessa has spent the past two years always, always, always, being the littlest. All of her church friends are older than she is, many people still calls her Baby Tessa. Mommy and Daddy baby her like you wouldn't believe (I'm not even going to give examples, its a bit embarrassing).

Then last night - oh the glory of it - we babysat a 10 month old friend. And I learned that my sweetie is a bit power hungry. At first she had fun crawling next to the baby, leading her, and then even holding her hand to help her walk.

Then she started taking toys. When you can say "Mime!" (in case its not obvious that is Tessa for "mine") the world is your oyster. Oy. I am now just a bit terrified about the upcoming familial change...

--***--

Then I learned that she came by it honest. Last night I got out of bed to check on Tessa and when I got back Aaron stole my leg pillow.

"Um, thats my pillow," I said meekly.

"No, its Mime" he proclaimed.

It wasn't until I got up, walked around the bed, pulled his pillow off the floor and shoved it (meekly) under the blankets that he relented...and even then, begrudgingly. I guess he grew up being the youngest in his family - and now that he is older than me...

--***--

I added a link on the sidebar to another blog I post on - there are tons of great book reviews on it, if you are looking for something to read.

--***--

One last thought before I go.

It took me 13 weeks to get from "cervix just beginning to shorten" to "3cm dilated" so - this "family of four" fantasy could still be a ways off. (It also took a calculator to figure out how 37-24=13...I've got problems.)

I need a special tunnel to safely cross the highway.

I feel so incredibly pregnant today. I am moving at the speed of cooling asphalt. If I were to be found in the desert of the southwest, crawling along, or gasp, flipped over on my back, unable to right myself, I could halt the construction of a major retail distribution center (yes, that is a random reference to the majestic desert tortoise). At times like this it is so convenient to have a toddler by the hand and let people then think I am being a patient mom, allowing my little one to set our leisurely pace. But now you know, I'm slowing her down.

I just ate crackers and cheese and feel like I've left an all you can eat Chinese buffet after four trips back to the won ton table.

But when I write that I still think "mmmmm, Won Tons!" I can assure you that I am not one of those women who claim "When I was pregnant with little Shalaydon I only wanted fresh fruits and vegetables." Rather, when I am pregnant I want: fried food, creamy cheesy food, and/or fried cheese. And dairy. And chocolate. The only difference between this and not being pregnant is the increased urgency and the lack of (okay, the diminishment of) guilt. Thank you "What to Expect..." for the little blurb telling me I need cholestrol to build this little body.

Speaking of food, when is dinner? I better get moving now if I want to make it to the table in time...

The Blessing of a Sister

Its hard to deny what a blessing having Alicia stay with us the past two months have been. No doubt in my mind that if she hadn't been here I would have had this baby weeks, even months ago.

Alicia left Tuesday morning.* As she was packing her stuff I realized that what I valued most about her trip was not the incredible amount of dishes and meal prep she did, or all the hauling around of Tessa, it was that I got to know her so much better than I have in the past 10 years. She was eight when I moved away to college and has sort of existed in my mind as a mix between the eight year old I new and the snippets of a young adult I've seen in quick trips home. Now, after two months of living in fairly (ie very) close quarters I feel like I know (at least a little better) who she is and we are sisters in heart as well as in blood.


I've been really thinking about how Tessa will be as a big sister, but in the days before Alicia left I suddenly realized that not only will she BE a sister, she will HAVE a sister. When I finally thought of this my heart jumped around in excitement. I understand how lucky she will be because of the fabulous sisters I have.

*I couldn't post this on the day she left because we didn't tell our parents we'd bought tickets...he he he. Why? I don't know, it was just more fun this way. (ETA: I just realized that this is the second post in a row about silly pranks on people...what does that say about me and Alicia?)

Delicate Genius

Things are going pretty well for Aaron. Two Sundays in a row he won Settlers of Catan and is thus the reigning "Lord of Catan." (Go ahead, call him that, he'll revel in it). You'd think that it couldn't get better but wait - he also passed the 5th of his Architectural Registration Exams. If you are keeping track that means (only) four more to go.

Lets evaluate what Aaron has going on in his life.

Work.
Church volunteer work.
Studying for at least two exams (LEED and next ARE).
Wife on bed rest = more housekeeping, cooking and childcare than usual.
Bathroom reconstruction.

Hum...am I missing something? Probably.

So pretty much he's Superman. Rock on.

Our comings and goings

Or in our case, our stayings and stayings.

The bathroom project continues, as Alicia can attest it involves intense negotiations on important issues like base board height, towel rods and backer-board. As Alicia can attest it's enough to drive someone listening in bonkers. That said, Aaron did make some good progress on Saturday.

That was the day the girls went to a friend's house and bedrested while watching Twilight on DVD. As we were leaving Aaron asked me to remember that Edward couldn't build me a house - I hated telling him that Edward's "mom" probably could. Don't worry though honey, I'll happily stick with the man I've got.

You know, its actually a bit funny to me. At least once each of my close friends have posted things that their husbands have done that seem bizarre, inexplicable, and frankly, grounds for divorce (imho). But they seem unphased. I wonder if those same friends are thinking the same thing about this project (and the timing).

Speaking of the timing, Aaron claims he is nesting, after all this is the biggest project he's starting since Tessa was born. Paternal nesting appears to be a little different than standard maternal nesting.

Well, we've made it to 33 weeks. Obviously I'm quite glad, although last week I told a lot of people (many that read this blog) that I was feeling a bit discouraged that I had another 5 weeks of bedrest ahead of me. Well, no longer - after all now it is less than 30 days and thats hardly anything.

Plus, seriously, laying around all day reading blogs is about 1000x better than visiting your baby in the NICU. Hands. Down.

Plus it is spring now!! So I guess the "Coming This Spring" T-shirt/fetal brainwashing worked.

Finally a note on my body image. I am going to be overly honest here so feel free NOT to comment. I LOVE MY BELLY! I'm very disappointed that I don't get to flounce around town for people to see. Obviously I am the heaviest that I've ever been but I don't really feel that big. You may disagree, but as I told Aaron, that doesn't matter because I'm as pleased as punch with myself.

Okay, I'm slighting chagrined that I claim to be proud of my belly and still need to point out that the SHADOW makes me look bigger than I am. So to review, love my belly but am wearing black (its slimming) for a reason and don't need any extra shadow helping me out. Oh, and photoshop means I don't have to worry about my complexion either.

I can do it myself

I just got back from putting my baby and my baby sister on a train headed into one of the major metropolitan areas of the country (actually I think our house sits within the metro area so perhaps I'm being over dramatic...) to meet up with Aaron for some fun. I was a bit nervous (gave Alicia unnecessary directions, repeatedly - waited in the parking lot until the train picked them up safely, etc.)

But to be honest, dropping Tessa off for her second day of preschool was harder. I was so afraid she'd remember how we heartlessly left her for 2.5 hours last week and cling desperately to my leg, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Yes, I am that mom who thinks their child is a precious flower that needs to be coddled and protected. What are you going to do about it?

Well if you are Tessa you'll cry just a bit the first time I tried to leave to make me feel better, then get all caught up in a farm puzzle and made a friend and not glance up at all when I said good bye. Humpf! It really didn't make it any easier to leave but I did, knowing we could come to pick her up a little early and watch her through the 2-way mirror. Did I mention I love 2-way mirrors! That there is a good way to teach a hovering parent that their child can do it themselves!

(These pictures, as well as the amazing pictures at the top and bottom of this blog were taken by Alicia)

Only the sixth?

Today I'll openly admit I've hit the "oh my gosh I'm so bored that I've even run out of internet to browse" stage of bed rest. Believe it or not I've managed to be fairly content so far (6+ weeks) but - today - I was trying to figure out what day it was and I was updating my time sheet with the few hours of work I've been able to do while laying on my side and I realized that March has only been happening for 6 days and here I was thinking it had to atleast be near the middle. Who knew that revelation would be enough to bum me out!?

I am feeling both relieved to be "so far" into my pregnancy, and thus a bit cavalier about the whole thing, and freaked out that my baby, who is probably just a little over three pounds, is millimeters away from entering the world. (Don't worry though, the blessed fFn test says I have another 1.5 weeks at least). The combination means I take longer showers than I was when I was 24-28 weeks, but feel guilty about it the whole time.

And we still don't have a name - chances are the baby will be born at 41 weeks and we will still have to narrow the list down - we are a deadline driven couple.

Anyhoo - if you are a local blog reader I'll go ahead and ask if you have 2-3 books that you'd describe as "compelling*" that I could borrow?

*Compelling: (adj.) Thought-provoking and well wrtitten. May include emotion but not in a manipulative manner. See "worth my oddles and oodles of time to read".

Modern Correspondence

Because I once watched the movie "Rebecca" three times in a row I know that in the glamorous olden days the wealthy women would sit at their desks in the morning and write letters to each other as part of their "job" as the women of the house.

I SWEAR my life is the modern, gestating version of this and what I do is NOT mindless internet searching.

Yes, I do tend to blog stalk via bloglines.com and my "correspondence" tends lean more towards reading and less towards writing my own, but in my defense, typing while laying on your side is a major pain. (Man, am I milking this bedrest thing or WHAT!?)

But anyway, I thought I'd take some time to update my sidebar links and give shout outs to the random strangers of whom I am a devoted reader.

My most productive internet activity has been to enter in the giveaways but this is only because I just WON SOMETHING from Pink Chalk Studio and it has made my week! The giveaway prize arrived in the mail a few days ago - I could post pictures of the actual fabric but - well - lazy, so here is a link. I received a fat quarter of each of those prints - YEAH!

Here are some of the other crafty blogs I am addicted to, book mark like crazy, and will never actually accomplish anything from. (Hey, I know myself pretty well)
Craft Apple (actually I lied, I am almost done with a project made from a pattern I purchased from here...I'll post pics if and when I finish it).
Crafty Crow
Crazy Mom Quilts
Lovely Design
One Pretty Thing
Plumpudding
She Sew Sassy
Simple Sparrow
Tallgrass Prairie Studio

Here are some design related blogs I like
desiretoinspire.net
Green Mormon Architect
How About Orange
Ikea Hacker

This is a blog I contribute to...on occasion. I definitely wish I did more because at one point in my life I was a BIG reader...now I'm a big "some day I'll read"-er.
Reading for Sanity

Advice blogs (hum, not a lot of originality in the names, are there?)
Simple Mom
Simple Marriage
The Simple Dollar

And last but not least, random editorial blogs I like to read (heavily biased towards fertility blogs)
A Little Pregnant
Julia
Seriously So Blessed (warning: when I first started reading this blog I couldn't post on my own for at least three weeks, so great was the fear that I accidentally become the person this blogger is mocking...also, probably makes more sense if you are Mormon or know a LOT of them).
Stuff White People Like

To close I'd like to ask for suggestions...I can't very easily turn down a craft blog, but what I'm looking for is something with design theory and/or some sort of intellectually stimulating material - I used to be smart once and wonder if I can do it again. ;)

Bailout Needed - STAT

I read this article on Yahoo yesterday and have been overcome with worry and anxiety ever since. You see, it claims that Krispy Kreme runs the risk of failing this year. {staggering sorrow ungulfs me at the thought}

The ONLY way I have managed to continue living a productive life (excluding the past three weeks) after the local Krispy Kreme shops closed was the subliminal knowledge that they still exist - out there and that maybe I'd be able to someday eat another. BUT WHAT IF THAT NEVER HAPPENS!? What if that delicious and delectable flavor ceases to exist all together? What kind of life will that be?

So. Christin, I call on you to repent from the idea that 30 minutes is too far to drive (yes, she directly states that here) and Maria, I implore you to stop at the one near you house weekly, even if it means an extra - what? 3-4 hours on the treadmill. You must sacrifice for those of us who can't do it ourselves. You must.

An (un)Eventful Weekend

Friday night was Aaron and my date night.

We got a babysitter, spent time together laughing and talking and I got breakfast in bed the next morning.

Unfortunately my primping for this outing involved a regularly scheduled ultrasound that showed my cervix had shortened by 30% in 2 weeks. And the location was L&D triage at Brigham and Women's hospital.

After seeing that my cervix had shortened the doctor suggested a cerclage (stitch through the cervix) to prevent any dilation. Aaron came home, we dropped Tessa off at some friends house and off we went. Ultimately the doctors at the hospital decided not to do the cerclage because I was so close to "viability"* and they didn't want to cause any PTL (Pre-Term Labor).

My cervix was measured at 2cm long, which isn't SUPER short, just shorter than it "should" be. I was not contracting. So they finally decided just to admit me for observation - hence the breakfast in bed (you'll notice the bed in the picture above is a twin size...never a good sign.)

Nevertheless, I wasn't kidding about date night. I was actually very surprised at how calm I felt during this whole thing (ie my intuition told me I was not going to have a baby that weekend), and so Aaron and I sat in our little room and joked and laughed and "how was your day?-d" from about 9 until midnight. Around midnight Aaron headed home and I sat waiting for a room.

I ended up staying in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. A test and an ultrasound gave us strong indications that I wasn't about to deliver. The test** they did was negative, and if it is negative gives someone a 95-99% certainty that they aren't going to deliver within 2 weeks. The ultrasound was much better than the one on Friday, whether that had to do with an actually growth in my cervical legnth, or a different person and machine doing the measuring I don't know. I am now home on bedrest and looking toward 26 weeks...and beyond (in Buzz Lightyear voice.)

*Viability is considered 24 weeks (though that is stretching to 23 weeks in some cases). That is when the baby has a fighting chance of surviving outside the womb and most hospitals will consider resessitation, before that some will not. At 23 weeks a baby has a 20% of survival, at 25 weeks it is 65%, and at 26 weeks (when Tessa was born) it is 75%. Though full-term is our ultimate goal, afte 30 weeks babies have a 90-95% survival rate.

**The test is called a Fetal Fibronectin or fFN test. See this link on the March of Dimes website for more info because I can't explain it to you.

Random notes:
I am recovering from a cold (I know you know because I've been complaining about it all week) and so was coughing up a storm the whole time I was in the hospital. A normal person would just suffer through it, but I had nurses checking on me every 4 hours so they listened to my lungs and "prescribed" things like saline spray and cough drops (both over the counter medicines that I'm sure I/my insurance paid an arm for).

Tessa loved her weekend with Daddy. They came to visit me on Saturday, she loved the bed with the moveable head and foot buttons and then when it was time to go she gave me a big hug, a kiss, waved bye-bye and headed down the hall.

I took the chance to visit the NICU. This is a different hospital than the one we delivered Tessa at and I was feeling very sad not to have access to the nurses who I'd consider friends and missing the familiarity of the surroundings. The NICU tour was helpful in at least making me feel comfortable with the level of care a preemie would get (still hoping to avoid it though). However, I haven't been in a NICU since we left with Tessa and it was HARD to go back. The babies are so tiny and the feelings are still very fresh.

I was looking forward to hearing how Aaron was 15 minutes late for church on his first morning ever of being in charge of getting out the door (I even had a spy in place who was going to keep an eye on him). Yes, I know that is a snarky thing to think...but don't worry, he miscalculated and thought he needed to leave by 8:00, when it is really by 8:30...and so he was there 10 minutes early. Darn...seriously.

We had a major snow storm Saturday and Sunday. The roads were so bad Aaron almost left me at the hospital until Monday! I realized that I'm really working this whole "mothering" thing. I haven't had to shovel in three winters. Winter 07 - pregnant, winter 08 - taking care of a baby, winter 09 - pregnant (which leads me to believe that winter 10 I'll be off the hook as well!)