October 9, 2008

Tonight I stumbled across something I wrote a year ago.

Here it is.*

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October 9, 2008

This time I am crying more. And I think it is because I know what I’m getting into. Not that this is about the dreary life of a new mother with the late night feedings and the diaper changes, although I am less fanciful about what it will mean to have a baby than I was the first time.

But the first time, I didn’t cry.

I cry now because I know how much I can love. I cried when I got the call that said “it worked.” I cried when I saw the little flickering heartbeat for the first time, and again two weeks later when I saw my olive sized baby wiggly around. The first time, if I cried – it was as much from relief as joy. Relief that I wasn’t infertile anymore. This time, as I watched that little gummy bear kick and wave on the ultrasound screen, I already loved her. Because of the first time, I know what it feels like to love her.

The first time, I looked forward to loving my child;, but it took awhile to move from loving the idea of a child to loving that child. This time I instantly love this specific child. My baby. Our baby.

Meg.

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*I did some editing - I had to. I had written "him" in a lot of places. So much for mothers intuition. And of course, I added the last word.

We've hit that stage...

While I'm doing okay at keep the girls alive, I'm find this "mother of two" business to be...challenging.

Why?

Well, you don't have to ask in "that tone." I know that others manage two just fine. And other-others have 3. Or 4. Or 5. Or 8 - happy, adjusted, dressed children. (Approximately 74% of my blog readers fall in one of those catagories.) But for me, two is kicking my trash.

Why?

Sibling rivalry has reared up in the form of an sweet, loving and uber-whiny/tantrumy pre-schooler and it is exhausting.

Why?

I really want to give Tessa a lot of attention because she is at such a fun age.

Why?

She has just hit the speech breakthrough that happens at this age and talks in complete, if not completely understandable, sentences. She is so sweet and loving towards Meg and is just plain silly!

Why?

Well I could go on about that forever so lets get back to the question at hand. It is exhausting to feel like I am not teaching/playing/challenging Tessa enough while in reality the the happy, content goo-goo-ing second born sits in the bouncy chair being neglected. (We refer to her as the PNSB.)

Why?

Because PNSB stands for Poor Neglected Second Born

Why?

Its an acronym.

Why?

It saves time - unless you have to explain it.

Why?

{exasperated sigh} Moving on.

I thought I'd like to have a big family (somewhere between 2 and 8 we were telling people) but now - - well, you might want to wait a few months before asking if we are going to have any more.

Why?

Because if every single child goes through this stage I don't think I've got enough answers to make it out alive.

Why?

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P.S. Tessa hasn't been sleeping well AT. ALL. and this has contributed to the overall whiny/tantrumy levels here at home (both her and I). Aaron and I turned to "the google" to find out how to help. I searched "2 year old sibling rivalry" and this "article" claims that "As for the advantages of having siblings, I can think of none if the spacing is narrow (less than two and one-half or three years)." I'm completely dumbfounded by this statement. Yes - it is tough going at the moment, but seriously - NO advantages?!!? Thanks for the support.

Jerk.

Victory

It is no small feeling of victory that I experience when I peak in the bedroom and find my toddler asleep, after three commendable attempts at convincing me of "no nap," and "I not fweepy."

It is almost like the feeling I used to get when closing on million dollar real estate deals or brokering an agreement between embattled energy companies. If - you know - I had actually done those things.

Worth Waiting For

I know its been a while since I posted - BUT - I think this video clip will make up for it!




It is almost heartbreaking how sweetly she looks at the camera with no idea about how funny this is.

An (un)Eventful Weekend

Friday night was Aaron and my date night.

We got a babysitter, spent time together laughing and talking and I got breakfast in bed the next morning.

Unfortunately my primping for this outing involved a regularly scheduled ultrasound that showed my cervix had shortened by 30% in 2 weeks. And the location was L&D triage at Brigham and Women's hospital.

After seeing that my cervix had shortened the doctor suggested a cerclage (stitch through the cervix) to prevent any dilation. Aaron came home, we dropped Tessa off at some friends house and off we went. Ultimately the doctors at the hospital decided not to do the cerclage because I was so close to "viability"* and they didn't want to cause any PTL (Pre-Term Labor).

My cervix was measured at 2cm long, which isn't SUPER short, just shorter than it "should" be. I was not contracting. So they finally decided just to admit me for observation - hence the breakfast in bed (you'll notice the bed in the picture above is a twin size...never a good sign.)

Nevertheless, I wasn't kidding about date night. I was actually very surprised at how calm I felt during this whole thing (ie my intuition told me I was not going to have a baby that weekend), and so Aaron and I sat in our little room and joked and laughed and "how was your day?-d" from about 9 until midnight. Around midnight Aaron headed home and I sat waiting for a room.

I ended up staying in the hospital until Sunday afternoon. A test and an ultrasound gave us strong indications that I wasn't about to deliver. The test** they did was negative, and if it is negative gives someone a 95-99% certainty that they aren't going to deliver within 2 weeks. The ultrasound was much better than the one on Friday, whether that had to do with an actually growth in my cervical legnth, or a different person and machine doing the measuring I don't know. I am now home on bedrest and looking toward 26 weeks...and beyond (in Buzz Lightyear voice.)

*Viability is considered 24 weeks (though that is stretching to 23 weeks in some cases). That is when the baby has a fighting chance of surviving outside the womb and most hospitals will consider resessitation, before that some will not. At 23 weeks a baby has a 20% of survival, at 25 weeks it is 65%, and at 26 weeks (when Tessa was born) it is 75%. Though full-term is our ultimate goal, afte 30 weeks babies have a 90-95% survival rate.

**The test is called a Fetal Fibronectin or fFN test. See this link on the March of Dimes website for more info because I can't explain it to you.

Random notes:
I am recovering from a cold (I know you know because I've been complaining about it all week) and so was coughing up a storm the whole time I was in the hospital. A normal person would just suffer through it, but I had nurses checking on me every 4 hours so they listened to my lungs and "prescribed" things like saline spray and cough drops (both over the counter medicines that I'm sure I/my insurance paid an arm for).

Tessa loved her weekend with Daddy. They came to visit me on Saturday, she loved the bed with the moveable head and foot buttons and then when it was time to go she gave me a big hug, a kiss, waved bye-bye and headed down the hall.

I took the chance to visit the NICU. This is a different hospital than the one we delivered Tessa at and I was feeling very sad not to have access to the nurses who I'd consider friends and missing the familiarity of the surroundings. The NICU tour was helpful in at least making me feel comfortable with the level of care a preemie would get (still hoping to avoid it though). However, I haven't been in a NICU since we left with Tessa and it was HARD to go back. The babies are so tiny and the feelings are still very fresh.

I was looking forward to hearing how Aaron was 15 minutes late for church on his first morning ever of being in charge of getting out the door (I even had a spy in place who was going to keep an eye on him). Yes, I know that is a snarky thing to think...but don't worry, he miscalculated and thought he needed to leave by 8:00, when it is really by 8:30...and so he was there 10 minutes early. Darn...seriously.

We had a major snow storm Saturday and Sunday. The roads were so bad Aaron almost left me at the hospital until Monday! I realized that I'm really working this whole "mothering" thing. I haven't had to shovel in three winters. Winter 07 - pregnant, winter 08 - taking care of a baby, winter 09 - pregnant (which leads me to believe that winter 10 I'll be off the hook as well!)

Eye-opener

Often shyness is approached like a problem that needs to be overcome, but really - it is just a character trait - perhaps the opposite of being outgoing. Some people might think that being outgoing is preferable to being shy, but I disagree, the two personalities balance each other*. (That is the nice way to say: Just as a shy person might come across aloof, sometimes an out-going person just needs to be quiet. ;) )

Tessa is shy when we are in public and rarely leaves my side (rarely as in never). Despite my above opinion on the validity of a shy personality I sometimes get exasperated that she won't show her cute personality to more people. And sometimes I want to be able to walk without an extra 22 lbs clinging to me.

A few weekends ago we were at some friends house for breakfast and a bunch of kids were playing in the next room. Oh, Tessa wanted to go play with them, but she wouldn't go by herself, she wanted me to come, and being a party-pooper adult, wanted to be where I could chit-chat with the big kids. Later I was telling this story to Aaron and he simply said "Of course she wanted you to come. You are her best-friend."

I don't think he meant that so be so profound but it totally opened my eyes and made me even more appreciative of Tessa's sweet personality, and flattered that she wants me to be involved in all events of her life.

October Side Note - Major Clue #4

Here is a picture of the whole family in costume, under the glare of the always flattering fluorescent lights.

Just in case you don't get it Aaron is a baker and I am an oven.

Get it...Get it...?

Cause a lot of people at the party didn't.
"Oh I get it, he's a chef and you're a microwave..."

Of course you all have the benefit of 3 previous clues...and above average intelligence.

I was afraid that this costume/announcement would be bordering on tacky (and who knows, perhaps it was), but so many people didn't get it that it ended up being rather clever*.


*Since I'm now addicted to using asterisks you should check out this funny post about Halloween costumes on the blog "Stuff White People Like" ...

Doctor Overdose

Today I ended up going to three doctor's appointments.

Aaron had a sinus infection and so I gave him a ride to the doc at 8:00, then to the subway.

Quincy has been vomiting so off to the vet he went at 2:00.

And between those I had a doctor's appointment at 10:30*.

I wonder if Tessa knows how lucky she is/that she is being left out...actually, she has a pedi appointment sometime soon, I better find out when. I have to get her blood drawn before I take her...quadruple ugh...Aaron? You wanna do it?

*Clue #1

Too Big for her Britches

Tessa is turning into such a toddler! I'd like to pleasure you with some anecdotes...

The other day I was deep in a phone conversation for work, pacing the length of the condo as I talked. After dodging Tessa a number of times I realized that she was following me, with her hand to her ear babbling to herself.

She's started pretending. Over the weekend she feed Aaron with a fork a whole serving of who knows what from the empty lid of a Pam cooking spray container.

Because the cat dishes were empty I let her play with them (I know, not enforcing positive behavior!) and found her kneeling over them, biting the side as if eating from them.

Same thing happened with Quincy's water fountain (if you don't know what I'm talking about, don't ask), except it wasn't empty and she was wearing Daddy's knit hat. She ended up with a stripe of water from the crown of her head to her belly button.

While I was eager looking forward to so many milestones, rolling over, crawling, walking. I was NOT looking forward to climbing. I know it makes me seem selfish to hear that I would not help her learn to climb, if she started trying to pull up on a chair I would pick her up and set her there. NO DEVELOPMENT OF BICEPS FOR ME PLEASE! But alas, you can't stand in the way of progress and now she can climb up and sit on a chair, as smug as you please. So now a lot of my day is spent saying "Sit down...sit. Sit down...Tessa, on your bum...sit." She has yet to try climbing on the counter - and I am counting my lucky stars as long as that lasts.

Lessons from Daddy

It is okay to close the door (leaving the baby on the other side) when you are going to the bathroom.

Sigh - it is much less stressful to "be in the bathroom" if you don't have a toddler trying to get to the pile of dirty dishrags, the garbage can, the under-the-sink, or the litter box.

It took me months to catch on to his wisdom but I'm a full convert.

16 Months = 16 Months

Yesterday Tessa had an evaluation by a therapy team through Early Intervention. She's been in the program for a year and they do an eval every 6 months.

Yesterday she "tested" at 14-16 months on everything except Gross Motor skills. That is only because she isn't walking...yet.

Do you know what this means? It means that when people ask the simple question "how old is she?" I can drop the inner struggle over which answer to give.

There is a struggle you ask? Trust me its there.

Let use Tessa at 11 months as an example. Keeping in mind that at 11 months she looked and acted like a 8/9 month old when a grandma at the grocery store would ask I could either say "She's 1 months" and get the my-granddaughter-who-is-11-months-is-bigger/talking/waving look. Or I could say "She's 8 months" which is technically a lie (but not in my mind). Of I could say "She's 11 months but she was born early so she's small" which is a mouthful and frankly, over-sharing in a grocery store situation.

But now I need agonize no longer. Particularly because it is fairly common for 16 month olds to still be working on walking (and at the grocery store she's sitting in a cart). Now I can just say her AGE and be done with it.

Lessons Learned

Lesson #1 - be careful what you ask...

I was thinking to myself how I had planned to go to the gym but when it came down to it I wussed out and did something else (grocery shopping if you must know). Out loud I said to Tessa "Your momma is a loser, did you know that?" and she responded in her sweet voice - "Ya!"

Lesson #2 - The more (copies of) keys you have the better.

Yes, I should have known better than to let Tessa play with the keys...the automatic lock thingy in particular. The memory of having the firemen come to my house, ladder truck and all, to get her out of the car will hopefully remind me not to let it happen again.

The whole situation is particularly embarrassing, but add to it the fact that in the past month I've locked myself out of the house twice (in the same week)...and it seems like there might be a problem...



...have I ever told you about the time Aaron called me a goldfish?

Vomit at both ends of the trip

I just got back from a trip to Idaho to visit the fam.

Tessa and I left Aaron here to hold down the fort while we traipsed around eating a lot of food. I think that instead of facing the daunting task of posting about the whole trip at once I'll just post little tidbits as the mood strikes.

Tessa was a good flying baby if I do say so myself. The only real pickle was that she threw up all over herself and me on the first flight from Manchester to Cincinnati. But really - it wasn't so bad. In fact I was pretty proud of my mommy skills. Not many people noticed. I had an extra set of clothes for her. I didn't freak out that I had throw up down my sleeve. She had been eating ginger crackers so it didn't smell bad. I changed her fairly quickly in the lavatory without dropping a thing on that nasty floor. I had made friends with a grandma while we were boarding and she was thrilled to hold Tessa while I cleaned myself up. I know...this story is the epitome of coolness!

At the other end of the trip...

Tessa was THRILLED to see the cat when we got home. I really wish I could have had a camera on her as we came up the stairs. However I think that she caused him some real stress crawling at high speeds after him because within 5 minutes of getting home I had to clean up hair ball yuck from under the bed.

(Don't worry - none of my other trip stories will have to do with any bodily fluids)

The Truth

I am very very happy.

I know, shocking huh!

I say this in response to the people who ask, or who may be wondering "So, is this* what you expected." I am lucky enough to be able to enthusiastically say YES!

(*this being motherhood in general and stay-at-home (most of the time) motherhood specifically)

So what did I expect?

Well, I expected among other things,to have more responsibility for the housework. The reality, I don't do all that I should but I do way more than I ever have in the past and I feel much less resentment about having to do it. In fact I realized that I was happy while I was scrubbing the sink with AJAX. I don't think its possible to deny that you are happy if you feel so, while cleaning.

I expected to have times when I didn't get the things done I wanted because nap time happened a bit to early or a bit too late than I "planned." This happens, big deal, this is made a bit less of a hindrance because on the rare occasion I get to take a nap too, and a well rested Emily results in a happy Emily.

I expected to love my baby. And WOAH! do I. She is truly truly the sweetest thing I could imagine. Actually, I feel so much like she is meant to be mine that I can't remember what I expected her to be like "before" - I'm sure I had expectations that aren't echoed in reality, but I can't remember them because the reality of who Tessa is, is all I need.

I expected to be poor. And well, yes, that is true. Actually, its interesting that before we got pregnant we did a hypothetical budget of our life on one income and each time things worked out great. Then the one time we did this budget during my pregnancy suddenly we realized - We WON'T have enough money. This was accompanied by the requisite freak out, but as things have settled we have been blessed with little things here and there that "make the ends meet." I guess this is how life works, but it is still amazing!

I expected to have to work a few hours a week. And I hoped to enjoy it. So of course I have been pleased to find that in fact the job I have seems perfectly suited to my place in life. (And yes, I should be doing stuff for that right now instead of blogging...) I'm particularly happy that I can walk to my office, and often do with Tessa in tow; that I get to work with very intelligent, accomplished people; that I feel at least most of the time, like I know what is going on; that I have a good babysitter for the few hours a week that I need her; that when I need to bring her Tessa is welcome to come along with me; and that just at the point in life when I thought my "career" was over I am doing something that keeps me relevant.

Oh yes, and Aaron. Aaron is a good person. I think that covers much of what I love about him. He is a good husband and a good father. He is sincere about his feelings (in a manly way of course ;) ). I have fun with him, I LOVE talking to him about things. I also love watching a funny show with him because his laugh makes me laugh. Okay, I'm not going to go on because it would get embarrassingly mushy, not embarrassing for me, but for him and for you.

There are other things that make me happy. And, to be honest, there are many many things that I need to improve about myself, but I'm not going to sit around and be sad because things aren't how they "should" be.

And now, I'm going to get up and clean the kitchen ... jealous?

At Grandma and Grandpa U's house

After driving through a blizzard we got home very late. Tessa, of course, slept in the car and, of course, was still on Eastern Time so she woke up at 5:30. It wasn't bad though, because she got to eat her bottle while looking at the Christmas tree, then she got to play on the CARPET and look at the train set. It was nice quiet Mommy time and I got some cute pictures.

While at G & G U's house we got to see all the Aunt, Uncles and cousins. However my camera wasn't working so we only have a few pictures. If you happen to be an Aunt, Uncle or Grandparent reading this, and have any cute pictures, I would really appreciate if you forwarded them to me...I'd hate to have a gap in the photo documentation of the first child!

We had fun getting ready for Christmas, despite not having our luggage for three days. We also had fun at Aaron's family Christmas Eve party, which was moved into town because of the blizzard (second of three for our trip).

That's Crazy Talk

Ya know that period in between sleep and awake when things jumble up in your mind, and ideally you fall asleep and don't, for example, say the crazy thing your thinking...

Last night Aaron decided to feed Tessa just a bit more bottle before he went to bed (which means she'll sleep longer in the morning, and I'm okay with that!) As she finished up she was fussing just a bit and it woke me up, sort of. Well, it woke me up enough to know she needed her binkie and HE wasn't giving her one. "Here, give her this," I said and proceeded to put the imaginary binkie I "held" in my hand in her mouth.

If only Aaron hadn't seen that...dang witnesses!

"A few of my favorite things"

I wanted to be a mommy so I could rock-a-bye my baby. I think being rock-a-byed were some the best times of my life. Sometimes when I'm feeling kind of needy I wish I could still be rock-a-byed by my mommy.

The first time I held Tessa I had a stockpile of songs I'd been waiting a long time to sing her. I tried each one on the list and the one that stuck the most was "These are a few of my Favorite Things". I took it as a personal victory that I would be in my little corner humming to Tessa, then a few minutes later a nurse would walk by singing "brown paper packages tied up with strings" and have no idea how that got stuck in her head.

Other songs I like to sing to Tessa are...

I want to be your Personal Penguin (thanks Liz)

Lullaby by Jack Johnson (this was especcially poignant while she was in the hospital

Whenever I hear the song of a bird

I love to see the Temple

Lately we've started dancing to "Sweet Caroline" (dum dum dum)