Monday, February 18, 2008

Finding Happiness at the Gym

I went to the gym today for the first time since December-ish 2006. Believe it or not I really like running on a treadmill. So I was looking forward to doing that today.

I realized something while I was grinning away (during the first half of my run, the second half I had that look on my face that makes other people wonder WHY people like running). What I realized was that the last time I went to the gym regularly it acted as an escape. It was one of the two settings that I wasn't completely aware of my infertility. The other, oddly enough was when I was holding a baby. So, holding a baby and running while listening to a CD and reading the captions on the TV were the only times I didn't feel overwhelmingly infertile. I remember knowing as I entered the gym that I would be getting 40 minutes free of worry, anxiety, envy, and sadness, and of course I looked forward to that. I had forgotten this past function of the gym but, with that learned response in my psyche, no wonder I felt giddy as I entered the gym today.

The memory I have of what it felt like not to have a baby, my baby, is something I think about so often when I see my sweet girl smiling at me from her crib.


indeazgirl said...

When I first read this entry, I sat in shock for about a minute and then read it 3 more times. I mean, it crosses my mind for a couple times a day for that I'm babyless (and husbandless, for that matter), but I don't think I ever thought how incredibly stressful that situation must have been.
Also, I always wonder while I'm at the gym if I'm increasing or maintaining (who really knows) my fertility by staying in shape. So that part doesn't really work for me.
AND, I'm really excited that it does work for you. Sometimes I wish I ran enough to be able to actually appreciate a runner's high.
Did you really run for 40 minutes? Because that is amazing.
Ok, that's all enough rambling for one morning. Good-night!

Laura said...

I normally don't like running, but if fertility has anything to do with it...I'm off! Actually, I like Aerobics, but not at the Gym, at home in my living room with the blinds closed! :) Who wants to see me kicking, punching and hip-hopping to TurboJam like a crazy woman anyway?!?!?

jamerlou said...

That entry makes me feel happy for you now, sad for you back then. We'll just focus on the happy and lucky you are!! Loves! BTW, don't worry about the birthday thing. I can't even keep up anymore.

indeazgirl said...

I want to see you TurboJamming it up like a crazy woman!! :o)