Summer

This summer is shaping up to be one of my favorite seasons ever.

(I took this picture in between digging out the garden bed and spreading grub killer.)

Back yard kiddie pool.

Vegetable and flower gardening + only having to water once a week because it rains over night.

Getting to know the neighbors.

Tessa learning to dig in the dirt and run through the sprinklers.

A standing tea party date with me, the girls and our next door neighbor. Tessa calls her "our pink friend" because she wears pink (well) 90% of the time.

The beach. The beach. The beach. (And two kids who love it)

FREE swimming lessons offered by the city + season passes at the city pool for $6.00 a person.

I'll let you know when I think of more.

Free Cookie

Tessa thanks the Elderly Lady at the Grocery Store as well.

Just a reminder

I just wanted to remind you about Laura's March of Dimes - Walk for Babies that she'll be doing on Saturday. Our family really appreciates her supporting us by participating this year and I'm sure she'd appreciate any support (even $5.00) you could give her. If you want to, click on the button to the right to visit her MOD walk webpage ----->

The Other Sister

High on my list of priorities is posting about my sweetest girl Tessa and how big she is getting. However my life is so hard...you see, I tend to type on this laptop and my pictures are all saved on the desktop. And we all know that a post about a cute kid without pictures is like an Easter basket without chocolate - POINTLESS.

So, until I get off my lazy...well, side, I'd like to post about another form of support we are getting from the "other" sister.

Laura is walking in the March of Dimes on our behalf this year and if you'd like to support her click on the button to the side of this post, or visit her blog.

Thank you Laura - I am so glad you are helping to support the March of Dimes. Two years ago we strongly benefited from the in hospital support our MOD representative gave us, this year we are benefiting from research on how to prevent early labor/delivery.

The Blessing of a Sister

Its hard to deny what a blessing having Alicia stay with us the past two months have been. No doubt in my mind that if she hadn't been here I would have had this baby weeks, even months ago.

Alicia left Tuesday morning.* As she was packing her stuff I realized that what I valued most about her trip was not the incredible amount of dishes and meal prep she did, or all the hauling around of Tessa, it was that I got to know her so much better than I have in the past 10 years. She was eight when I moved away to college and has sort of existed in my mind as a mix between the eight year old I new and the snippets of a young adult I've seen in quick trips home. Now, after two months of living in fairly (ie very) close quarters I feel like I know (at least a little better) who she is and we are sisters in heart as well as in blood.


I've been really thinking about how Tessa will be as a big sister, but in the days before Alicia left I suddenly realized that not only will she BE a sister, she will HAVE a sister. When I finally thought of this my heart jumped around in excitement. I understand how lucky she will be because of the fabulous sisters I have.

*I couldn't post this on the day she left because we didn't tell our parents we'd bought tickets...he he he. Why? I don't know, it was just more fun this way. (ETA: I just realized that this is the second post in a row about silly pranks on people...what does that say about me and Alicia?)

Delicate Genius

Things are going pretty well for Aaron. Two Sundays in a row he won Settlers of Catan and is thus the reigning "Lord of Catan." (Go ahead, call him that, he'll revel in it). You'd think that it couldn't get better but wait - he also passed the 5th of his Architectural Registration Exams. If you are keeping track that means (only) four more to go.

Lets evaluate what Aaron has going on in his life.

Work.
Church volunteer work.
Studying for at least two exams (LEED and next ARE).
Wife on bed rest = more housekeeping, cooking and childcare than usual.
Bathroom reconstruction.

Hum...am I missing something? Probably.

So pretty much he's Superman. Rock on.

Bit of Heaven

Tessa brings me more joy than anyone. Not a huge revelation, I know but still, I can't believe how much happiness she adds to our family.

A few weekends ago Aaron and I were discussing "finances" and "the economy" (both ours and the country's). Talk about a bummer of a Friday night conversation. Until Tessa decided we needed to take turns attacking her with kisses. Suddenly we transferred to a blissful Friday night moment.



This little bundle of love had also struck a few days previously. I mentioned a while ago that our Bishop gave me a blessing to strengthen me in my anxiety. Aaron and Tessa joined me in his office and as he concluded I felt comforted and reassured. I stood to leave and with no prompting from me or Daddy Tessa launched herself into my arms for a bear hug. Forget about any self composure I had.

I've never felt so loved.


Where did we get this kid? Both of her parents are selfish stinkers, I kid you not. We don't deserve her, but I'm crazy happy to have her.

Gift and ANOTHER endorsement

For Christmas my little sister Laura made me a book about our experience with Tessa's birth and hospital stay.

You can read it here

Laura is a consultant for Heritage Makers. Unlike other photo books and/or scrap booking systems Heritage Makers helps people to tell the story as much as on the pictures and layout.

I was really touched by the book she made us. Thanks Laura.

You know...

I was just realizing that I have a pretty good group of readers that comment on my blog, even if I what I write is mindless rambling. Thanks!

Surprise Heating Oil "Discount"

I am Thankful this Thursday that -

Because we decided not to replace our furnace (hum...that in itself should be my Thankful...) and so we had to fill up our oil tank after months and months of letting it get emptier and emptier...it is 275 gallons and home heating oil is around $4.00...YIKES.

Luckily our 1st floor neighbors are friends with the people that deliver our oil so they convinced them to split the minimum 100 gallon delivery between our two units. So we got 50 gallons and $200 bill. Not as bad (although, yes, at some point we will need to by MORE oil).

The "discount" part!? Well apparently last spring I paid extra on the last bill, since I figured we'd be buying more and had been behind all winter. I forgot about it and when I got my followup bill from the oil company it was for $70.oo less than the original bill, because of that overpayment! YEAH!

Since I forgot about that I'm counting it as free money. Lutidootidootido (that is singing)

Good Morning Seneca Falls

Our travels that day led us to Seneca Fall, NY. We went there to meet my sisters Alicia & Laura, and Laura's husband Connel. Laura and Connel live in Cleveland as of this past January and Alicia was visiting them as a graduation trip.

You know, the really nice thing about traveling with sisters is that when you call them the morning of the trip and tell them that you neglected to make reservations soon enough and plans need to change and that they now need to drive 2 more hours beyond the original plan they just say "okay!" and are still happy to see you when they get there!

We chose Seneca Falls because it was the closest, non-KOA, campsite to Palmyra, our actual destination. And oh what a serendipitous selection. You see this campsite was minutes from the Peter Whitmer farm, a location Aaron and I had never been in our previous 3 visits to Palmyra and that I didn't know we were near until I saw a sign while we were exiting the highway. And of course, Seneca Falls is the birthplace of the Women's Rights movement. I was very excited to visit both places!

In addition, Seneca Falls itself is a darling postcard-worthy American town. Completely adorable, but sadly, a victim, like most other towns in that region, of shifting economics which have left it economically depressed. The tour guide at the visitor center stated bluntly that people who live there either work at McDonalds or bring their money with them. I find towns like this remarkably heartbreaking.

Now, not only were we near places I was thrilled to visit but our campsite cost $13 for all six of us. Thirteen dollars! What a deal!

Here I am making breakfast. Tessa woke me up at 6:30 after sleeping like a log all night. I thought I'd be awake by myself for a long time but Auntie Laura was up and at-em and ready to hold the baby. (yeah!) This picture shows two funny things...Connel is drinking out of a paper plate. We forgot cups so used our boyscout training to fashion a vessel out of paperplates. The coolest. The other thing you'll notice is Laura taking pictures. That pretty much illustrates her whole weekend, she puts Aunt Paula to shame!

Here are the girls taking a stand!
Yeah for the ability to vote and have legal possession of your children!

Auntie Alicia and Tessa mingling with the crowd.

Last October I bought Tessa a "passport" to the National Parks. The "passport" is a booklet that you take with you and get stamps at National Parks across the country. Tessa got her 2nd and 3rd stamps here. The 3rd was for the Erie Canal National Historic Corridor. We missed our chance to get an Underground Railroad stamp but time was short.

The group in front of the David Whitmer home (reconstructed)

Aaron and I hadn't ever come to the David Whitmer farm because it seemed so far out of the way of the other Palmyra sites. I now realize we were missing out and highly recommend it! This is one of the main sites where translation of the Gold Plates took place and the location of the organization of the church.

I had just taught a Relief Society lesson on the organization and destiny of the church. In it we discussed how Joseph Smith told early members of the Church that their understanding of the destiny of the church was like that of a child. One of the sisters in my ward pointed out how true this was by discussing all that the Church currently does just in humanitarian work world-wide. The church's network enables it to be first responders to many of the devastating natural disasters and to the local tragedies that occur daily; they also work in dozens of programs to bring drinking water, measles vaccinations, wheelchairs, and medical knowledge to third world countries. Do you think that the handful of Saints in the mid-1800s struggling against mobs and persecution could comprehend that!? How amazing and miraculous our world would seem to them!

The Walk

Okay - I'm going to once again thank all the people who donated. I know I'm being repetitious but I am so impressed with your generosity. Team Tessa raised over $1220 which helped contribute to the over $100,000 that was raised at the Lowell March for Babies alone.

I also need to especially thank the other Team Tessa members - Traci, Tracie and Tessa, as well as the other "kids + one mom" who joined us on walk day.

(As you can see from the heavy shadows it was a bright, sunny day - but not too hot - pretty much the perfect weather.)

I really tried to get a good pic of the two girls...but they had a different agenda entirely.

Note Tessa's position on the blanket in this photo - she was at the limit of her mobility since she refused to let the her skin touch the grass.

I almost forgot...

...to do a last minute reminder about Team Tessa and the March for Babies, there is still time to donate.

But even more important I'd like to thank those who have already donated! I really do feel like the March of Dimes has made a difference in the care of preemies.

In fact years ago my Mother helped in some March of Dimes fund raisers. This was 17+ years ago. Well, 17 years ago the treatment for a baby born at Tessa's gestation was to put them in an incubator pumped full of oxygen and "see what happened." I know this because a nurse in the NICU had a baby born at 27 weeks gestation and that very very miraculously survived when it wasn't expected that she would. The research that made so many medical advances in the mean time was partially funded by my Mom's efforts. She never had any premature babies, in fact hers where either at, or beyond term, and I know that asking people for money, even for a good cause, was quite out of her comfort zone, however she did and made such a difference.

So once again, thank you to all who have donated!

To Lift Up my Spirit...

It is a gloomy Friday afternoon and I've been spending it watching news coverage of the Polygamist Ranch in Texas. The thought of all those poor children makes my soul ache yet I cannot tear myself away. My gloomy feeling is compounded by the fact that while watching I am exposed to the other news headlines which are equally, if not more, depressing.

How lucky I am then that this past weekend General Conference was so uplifting and filled with such timely messages. There were many good talks, but one in particular stood out to me and touched me with three specific messages. You can read the entire transcript here and I'll just share some excerpts and my thoughts on them:

"…Each of us must make an individual evaluation. First, we need to measure the depth of our gratitude for membership in the true Church of Jesus Christ. Second, we need to know by the power of the Holy Ghost in what ways we can do better in keeping the commandments.

"We know from prophecy that not only will the true and living Church not be taken from the earth again, but it will become better. Our lives will be transformed for the better as we exercise faith unto repentance, always remember the Savior, and try ever harder to keep His commandments. The scriptures contain promises that when the Lord comes again to His Church, He will find it spiritually prepared for Him. That should make us both determined and optimistic. We must do better. We can. And we will."

This quote was what first caught my attention, particularly that "it (the Church) will become better." As I mentioned the news headlines are all doom and gloom, full of evil, war, and economic woes - Aaron and I often joke "Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket." To be reminded that regardless of what happens in the "world" the stakes of Zion will be strengthened is so reassuring. I can't effect the whole world, but I can make sure I am aligning myself with the righteous force that will be strong regardless of the course of the world.

"…My sense of gratitude stems also from blessings to my family. It is the sealing power and our knowledge of it which changes and transforms our family life here and our expectations for the joy of family life in the world to come. The thought and the hope that I can have eternal relationships carries me through the trials of separation and the loneliness which are part of mortal existence. The promise to the faithful in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that we may have associations and an expansion of families in the eternities. That assurance changes forever and for the better all of our associations in families.

"For example, I am at a stage in my life when, because of great distances, I cannot come to know well grandchildren and, in time, great-grandchildren. There are also people who have never had the opportunity for marriage and parenthood who have the same yearning as I do to somehow be close to family. Because of the restoration of the knowledge of eternal families, we are more hopeful and more kindly in all our family relations. The greatest joys in this life center in families, as they will in the worlds to come. I am so grateful for the assurance I have that if we are faithful, the same sociality which we enjoy here in this life will be forever with us in the world to come, in eternal glory."

This was a personal insight shared by President Eyring directly to me (okay, and millions of other people at the same time). I have been feeling so anxious the past few months that our extended family is "missing" all the sweetness and joy that Tessa brings to us. In fact I was feeling like I was being selfish, although I am certain that this is the place we are "supposed" to be right now. So it was nice to hear that living away from family doesn't make you unrighteous (as silly as that sounds) as well as to be reminded of the eternal nature of family. This quote also touched on the issues of infertility that are often on my mind.

"…There is another improvement I am confident will come. Families across the Church are searching for ways to strengthen and protect their children against the evils around them. In some cases those parents are desperately trying to bring back some in their family who have wandered. I am confident that there will be, increasingly, a reward given by God for their efforts. Those who never give up will find that God never gave up and that He will help them.

"Much of that help will come from those called to serve in the Church. The spirit of reaching out will increase so that many will be as the young Bishop Thomas Monson was, inspired with practical ways to invite and encourage those who may, for a time, not recognize the blessings God has in store for them. President Monson to this day remembers people he labored to rescue when he was their bishop. My hope would be that all of us would have the confidence that God will guide us in reaching out, and back, to those God would have us bring with us as we go home to Him."

I won't go into much detail on this because I don't want to embarrass anyone, however it touched me deeply and was such a reassurance.

Another wonderful experience in this conference was the experience of the solemn assembly, held worldwide through the blessings of technology. I was especially touched to see the Aaronic Priesthood members in attendance at the Conference center stand to raise their hands in sustaining President Monson as Prophet.

Thank you for indulging me in these personal reflections.

Finding Happiness at the Gym

I went to the gym today for the first time since December-ish 2006. Believe it or not I really like running on a treadmill. So I was looking forward to doing that today.

I realized something while I was grinning away (during the first half of my run, the second half I had that look on my face that makes other people wonder WHY people like running). What I realized was that the last time I went to the gym regularly it acted as an escape. It was one of the two settings that I wasn't completely aware of my infertility. The other, oddly enough was when I was holding a baby. So, holding a baby and running while listening to a CD and reading the captions on the TV were the only times I didn't feel overwhelmingly infertile. I remember knowing as I entered the gym that I would be getting 40 minutes free of worry, anxiety, envy, and sadness, and of course I looked forward to that. I had forgotten this past function of the gym but, with that learned response in my psyche, no wonder I felt giddy as I entered the gym today.

The memory I have of what it felt like not to have a baby, my baby, is something I think about so often when I see my sweet girl smiling at me from her crib.

Team Tessa

So many people supported us a year ago when Tessa was born and we continue to be grateful for the care shown by each and every person.

I hope then, that its not to presumptuous of me, this year, on Tessa's 1st birthday, to ask for your support in the March of Dimes - March for Babies.

I plan to participate in the walk held

Saturday, April 26, 2008
at 12:30 pm
in Lowell, MA.

Why am I doing this? It is because among the many people that supported us at the birth of Tessa was the Walk of Dimes organization.

Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raised in March for Babies supports research that saves babies' lives.

Over the years there has been a lot of improvement in the care for premature babies. Not too long ago Tessa may not have made it and so we are grateful for every advance.

In addition to funding research March of Dimes provides in hospital support to families. Our hospitals March of Dimes rep was literally beside me many days providing support, and sometimes just company.

I am grateful for both the large scale work of the March of Dimes and the personal care they gave to my family.

Click here to support my walk by donating, or if you are local consider joining me (and Tessa) in the April March for Babies!!

BBB Charity Report This link has information on how the March of Dimes spends their money and reports that in 2005 they funded 517 research grants for prematurity and birth defects.

The Truth

I am very very happy.

I know, shocking huh!

I say this in response to the people who ask, or who may be wondering "So, is this* what you expected." I am lucky enough to be able to enthusiastically say YES!

(*this being motherhood in general and stay-at-home (most of the time) motherhood specifically)

So what did I expect?

Well, I expected among other things,to have more responsibility for the housework. The reality, I don't do all that I should but I do way more than I ever have in the past and I feel much less resentment about having to do it. In fact I realized that I was happy while I was scrubbing the sink with AJAX. I don't think its possible to deny that you are happy if you feel so, while cleaning.

I expected to have times when I didn't get the things done I wanted because nap time happened a bit to early or a bit too late than I "planned." This happens, big deal, this is made a bit less of a hindrance because on the rare occasion I get to take a nap too, and a well rested Emily results in a happy Emily.

I expected to love my baby. And WOAH! do I. She is truly truly the sweetest thing I could imagine. Actually, I feel so much like she is meant to be mine that I can't remember what I expected her to be like "before" - I'm sure I had expectations that aren't echoed in reality, but I can't remember them because the reality of who Tessa is, is all I need.

I expected to be poor. And well, yes, that is true. Actually, its interesting that before we got pregnant we did a hypothetical budget of our life on one income and each time things worked out great. Then the one time we did this budget during my pregnancy suddenly we realized - We WON'T have enough money. This was accompanied by the requisite freak out, but as things have settled we have been blessed with little things here and there that "make the ends meet." I guess this is how life works, but it is still amazing!

I expected to have to work a few hours a week. And I hoped to enjoy it. So of course I have been pleased to find that in fact the job I have seems perfectly suited to my place in life. (And yes, I should be doing stuff for that right now instead of blogging...) I'm particularly happy that I can walk to my office, and often do with Tessa in tow; that I get to work with very intelligent, accomplished people; that I feel at least most of the time, like I know what is going on; that I have a good babysitter for the few hours a week that I need her; that when I need to bring her Tessa is welcome to come along with me; and that just at the point in life when I thought my "career" was over I am doing something that keeps me relevant.

Oh yes, and Aaron. Aaron is a good person. I think that covers much of what I love about him. He is a good husband and a good father. He is sincere about his feelings (in a manly way of course ;) ). I have fun with him, I LOVE talking to him about things. I also love watching a funny show with him because his laugh makes me laugh. Okay, I'm not going to go on because it would get embarrassingly mushy, not embarrassing for me, but for him and for you.

There are other things that make me happy. And, to be honest, there are many many things that I need to improve about myself, but I'm not going to sit around and be sad because things aren't how they "should" be.

And now, I'm going to get up and clean the kitchen ... jealous?

Onion rings & Neurologists

I have a confession. There is one part of Tessa's story I didn't share, until recently. I guess you could say this is "the rest of the story."

I was discharged from the hospital Thursday night and planned to come back into town Friday on the train. I was a bit slow getting things taken care of the next morning and didn't head to the train station till about 4-ish. I stopped to get some cash and I got a phone call from the NICU. The doctor on call nonchalantly asked if I was planning on coming in that day. I felt a bit chastened and let her know I was. She wanted to discuss Tessa's prognosis with us and after she quickly got off the phone I realized I should have verified everything was okay, I tried not to be too alarmed in the hour it took to get to the hospital. Then when I get there Meredith (Tessa's primary nurse) wouldn't really look me in the eyes and was very concerned with when Aaron would get there from work. So I called him, he was on his way and when he got there we were taken into "the patient consult room."

Yes, in case you were wondering, that isn't a good thing. We were very gently told that a routine head ultrasound (u/s) showed that Tessa had bleeding in her brain (IVH). There are 4 grades of IVH, grade 1 and 2 aren't generally worrisome, grade 3 causes concern, grade 4 is the worst. Preemies very often have these IVHs because of the stress the delicate tissues of the brain are under. Tessa had a grade 4 on one side of her brain and a grade 3 on the other. This bleeding occurs in the ventricles and grade 3 means the whole ventricle (that is where the spinal fluid is made, i think) was full of blood and grade 4 means that blood had escaped into the gray matter of the brain.

At first we just heard them talking and accepted what they were saying. They would say that it was serious, and then in the next breath say that babies are very resilient and that this could mean nothing in the long run. Her health overall was good, they were going to do bi-weekly u/s to monitor the ventricle sizes and head growth. Hopefully the bleeding would stop, or had already stopped and as long as there was no swelling than any further damage could be avoided.

Brain damage. That is why we didn't share this with everyone. Our baby had brain damage. And it was my fault.

We really sort of continued on, holding onto the hopefulness of the NICU staff. Of course they said hopeful things but acted like it was a tragedy, so I really felt like they were sugarcoating it for us.

The following Thursday we met with the neurologist. I had thought I would be meeting with her by myself since it was during the day, but Aaron showed up at the very last minute and we went together. I am so glad, if I had had to repeat the things she told me I couldn't have done it.

She did not sugar coat things. She showed us the three u/s they had done so far and showed us the bleeding. She also showed us some cysts that were indicative of previous bleeding, these cysts take 2-3 weeks to show up after the blood recedes. Tessa had been alive a week. Her brain had been bleeding while she was still inutero.

Until then I had been mourning that she was now "outside" of me, instead of "inside" when it was safe, and turns out that wasn't the case. She hadn't been safe inside of me either.

The neurologist also told us the truth. With a grade 4 IVH we should count on Tessa having some form of cerebral palsy. Hopefully it would be mild, most likely affecting her left leg but we shouldn't think that there would be no effect, it was realistic. "If we prayed", she said "we should pray that there would be no blockage of the ventricles leading to swelling." If that happened they would have to drain the fluid and put in a shunt, which she would have for life.

Does devastated describe well enough how we felt? The most overwhelming feeling was sorrow that our sweet baby had such a malignant force inside her tiny little brain. It was horror at the idea of brain damage. Brain damage. We never said that out loud to each other. Bleeding in the brain sounds bad, brain damage is unimaginable.

We went back to Tessa's bedside. She looked so good. It didn't matter what the her prognosis was, when we were with her we felt calm. There was the information they doctors told us, and then there was the facts we could see, and those facts won over the dreadful things we were told.

So that was day 9 of life. Over all she had 17 u/s in 13 weeks. At first they were bi-weekly. Then as the bruised area stayed the same and the ventricles miraculous drained the blood without becoming clogged, the u/s were weekly then every other week.

Finally, after she was discharged we went in for the MRI. This was to be the ultimate diagnostic answer. Already we could see that Tessa was moving her body equally on both sides and had normal reactions. But what would the MRI show?

A week after the MRI we met with the neurologist. We were had the familiar feeling of hopeful dread.

And the neurologist was practically dancing. "Do you want to see the MRI tape?" she asked. She took us to her office, the same place she had told us that we should count on Tessa having some sort of disability, and showed us that...

...there was no bruising, no swelling, no notable damage visible. Tessa's brain was 99% perfect. She said if she hadn't seen the previous u/s she wouldn't have known Tessa was a "26-weeker" or that she had any bleeding. She said she had heard of but never seen a recovery like this

And she told us to go home and celebrate. Of course we had a baby who wasn't supposed to be around a lot of people and Aaron had to work late that night. So I went to the grocery store on the way home and bought all of the freezer appetizers they had. Onion rings, potato skins, mozzarella sticks and ice cream (the doctor had suggested beer and ice cream so I was improvising). We ate that for dinner, in addition to the 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's that Aaron brought home. Doctor's orders.

In the previous three months Aaron and I had talked a lot about miracles. We had definitely already been blessed with more than we deserved. So I wasn't expecting another one. My prayers were (and still are of course) that we could deal with whatever was in Tessa's future.

Aaron prayed for a miracle. I am so glad he did.

Slow Start

Tessa was due three days before our 6th Anniversary.

We had a lot of time as just a couple, before she came. As in so many things, this was not according to our plan. We had been "trying" for just under three years when we finally got pregnant. In theory three years doesn't seem that long, but believe me, it was 35 months too long.

It was over 40 negative pregnancy tests too long. It was 134 self administered injections too long. It was many crying, praying, begging nights too long. It was dozens of friends happy announcements too long.

It was a long, long time.

In the same breath that I wish we wouldn't have had to wait so long I am also grateful for a few of the things that resulted. For one, I am grateful for my appreciation for my sweet daughter. I don't think it is fair or truthful to say that "infertiles" love their children anymore than "fertiles." That makes no sense. However, I think I may have the upper hand when it comes to understanding what a miracle the life of a child is. I know so much more about the reproductive cycle then I ever wanted to, and frankly, it is a miracle any of us are here! So many things need to be perfect for conception and gestation to occur. Babies really deserve to be awe-inspiring.